Unleashing 13th Man

 

 Unleashing 13^th  Man

The new age Cricket Fan is Chaotic,loud and deeply emotional.He will abuse a Player in the first match for failure and sing  paeans for his brilliant performance in the second. These are the aficionado who ensures that  cricket is not just a sport but a daily Soap Opera with a billion Scriptwriters. The Modern day  cricket fan is a fascinating hybrid of Gen-Z, Super Analyst , a meme Lord and above all a diehard Hyper-Nationalist.. He just doen’t watch the game. He consumes it in 10 second intervals, comparing Virat’s cover drive to AI generated Precision and mourning a Loss as if it was  a  calamity in his family.The Fan knows better than the team Management , coach & selector  and firmly believes that he could fix Gill’s technical faults by screaming at the TV..He demands that he should    “ कम से कम थोड़ा INTENT तो दिखाओ  भैय्या जी “ . The New age fan just doesn’t wait:he can post a meme involving a crying child or even an apt Bollywood Dialogue.He is faster than DRS.creating a meme even before  a player reaches the dug-0ut..

 

So, I take it upon myself  to guide prospective fans on how to play the beautiful gentleman’s game in this post. But with a warning , I played some cricket,  just the leisurely  calm vintage  type a long  long time ago. Cricket has  evolved  a lot since then. It is getting boring faster with every new “Creative”  Rule meant to boost interest .

So, Here we Go ! without further digression . And I promise that there will be no  ads popping out awkwardly , at most inappropriate moments.

GUIDELINE 1: Get yourself a tattoo.It might not be difficult to locate a  parlour .You will normally find one  squeezed between bakeries and drycleaners  or such other shops in the busy market area. or you can enquire with  one of those Jazzy  “Walking Art Gallery” types too for directions

 

GUIDELINE 2:  Get a Hairdo, .Creepier the better, even if you don’t have a bushy thick cover. The aging  Super stars do it all the time! to present a lush look to  their balding  pate

This  should  be simple  & lot easier on your purse . All you need to do is visit the friendly neighborhood Bar…..r  , err…  Hair Stylist & watch  TV.while he snips away. Rest assured this will be more entertaining   than watching Manjrekar in the post  match summary  or on occasions better than  watching the on-field tamasha itself. .

 

GUIDELINE 3 : Buy some cricket franchise Tees.

Original team jumpers cost a fortune. Unless a pumped up dude on the turf decides to twirl it over his head for no good reason ,& lets go …….and you are the lucky one on whose head it falls. To get T-shirts at bargain prices, you can haggle with  vendors  on the footpath   around the railway station & bus stand or outside the stadium   . You can buy  T- Shirts  of your favourite Franchise team that have  “Kolkota   Night Rides”, Lucknow Supari Joints”   “ Son  razors Hyderbad ”  .printed on them.  They are the cheapest.

 

GUIDELINE 4:Get yourself a cold Drink. and settle down in front of your T.V. You can even hold a placard Reading  “ Don’t Disturb” on your left hand and keep tossing popcorn/chips  into your mouth with the other from the tub(Drum ) held between your knees,

If you are the  Fizz type , it is okay too. But when you tell others about it, remember to pronounce Bindu fizz as B I R A   R I S E (pronounced as  RiZZzzzzz)

 

 If you have come this far, you’re amazing. You are the most experienced Cricket reviewer  around.You are even better than  Athar Ali  Khan & Anjum Chopra in the same box

 

GUIDELINE 5: Watch a Night  match (you have no option actually! Literally no  cricket match is played during day time these days)

This is the most challenging  step. For one thing, it starts late evening & ends very  late in the night, like 11:30 PM. ! But still, remember your goal: you want to learn to play the “Gentleman,s” Game. So motivate yourselves. Sip Bindu  Fizz  in little quantities  till the match starts. Once the match starts, watch players closely particularly the “Stars” for any new inventive  clowning     (Hint: Glamorous  players wear   bizzare looking shades and have more taped fingers)

Watch closely how the guys  near the boundary ropes engage themselves with  screaming fans or how the bowlers exult , indulge in   Gymnastics, or shriek in agony & practice it.

Congratulations! You have learnt the nuances of the game, and eligible to play one or the other     PLs. You are very likely the best cricket analyst in Asia. .

You can begin your internship TODAY with the  World Cup Final ,but continue to watch  I, C, T, M or any other ……..PL matches on TV every day  to hone your skills  so that you are ready for  that grand  spectacle, the latest edition of IPL  but if you feel   dozy  at any point of time  you can keep poking  the Buttons on the TV Remote , flick through channels  and watch  sublime   shows Like  “Crime Patrol”:, “Tele Shopping” , “C I D” or .Zombie Kaadhali”