Dual Duel

 

Dual Duel

Born & brought up in a God-fearing Hindu household,  we were taught that every living being, insignificant, small or big  is endowed with a soul and should to be treated with compassion. Hence, killing any form of life  was considered scurrilous. We followed religious ceremonies and celebrated festivals in traditional manner. For our nuclear family, it was an opportunity to dress up, and savour choicest food and we loved to engage in gregarious banter (gossip?) about everything under the stars. 

Decades later, I started living a life suited to the times & circumstances, adapting to a wider circle and drifting a little away from my initial training.  Or so I thought!

 

 I encountered a crazy trial last week…which can loosely be termed as   the      The “DUAL DUEL .”

Following a commotion at 9.15pm  I rushed to the dining room . Broom in one hand and a long stick in the other, the missus was in samurai mode, waving her “weapons” & delivering various commands (Expletives?) to the TV. Nonplussed I stared at the TV. Nothing there!  I tried calming her down. “There, There It is ” she screamed   “Go away,Go away”! Shooo, Shhooo !. % # * @ ) _ +

She had seen a small mouse sitting on top of the TV. Search operation revealed nothing. “It happens once in a while “ I said consoling her.

 A week later, for some unknown reason, Insomnia struck. I couldn’t sleep.  Neither Counting Sheep, Cow & every other animal nor chanting the names of 32 ( 33?) crore Gods/Goddesses helped improve matters. So the logical refuge

was “Idiot Box” (see, I’m a normal Human being). Watching movies alone late into the night became the new Normal. Thankfully,insomnia provided a great opportunity to watch some interesting fare.- “Trance”,Malayan Kunju, Lucifer, Grahan, 12^th man,Cutputli, Vikram …….. and then!

 

On the fifth night, I encountered the little rascal. He crawled up the TV & took position on the Top .Lifting up his face he smelt the air. Lowering the TV volume, I began observing him. He possessed delicate round shaped ears which kept twitching now and then. Suddenly he raised his forelegs and started twirling his  whiskers. Watching his antics was more interesting than what was playing on the screen.   I became engrossed and even loved some of his antics.

My assumption that it would just be a short, perfunctory   visit was wrong.–   Making himself comfortable, he continued his nervous activities.. Suddenly, he stared at me . I muttered. & become very agitated.

 Fed up with his pranks, I eventually, decided to open the door leading to the backyard .to encourage him scamper away, for the sake of our own respective sanities.

I hoped that he would oblige and that I would not have to live with the guilt of killing the little guest  ( read“pest”).  Returning to the room I saw our Mr. Rooney trotting out of the dining room towards the veranda   looking mighty pleased & smug!  he even guffawed with delight. The little mouse had vanished. I now felt perturbed    ... err…   relieved …But dismal…

Minutes later I heard a feeble squeak. Looking around, I saw the pesky creep perched on the  ventilator sill high above. With a series of jerky facial contortions he disappeared through a hole in the insect mesh.

I must confess that at a certain point I was even considering murder. But the truth is, whichever way  we’re raised, and however far we have drifted from our “Old fashioned” virtues, during times of extreme indecision or stress one is promptly reminded of the dominance of  a higher power.

It is a matter of great relief that the mouse fled, and I’d not need to take a legion of liars to put up a bluff to reassure the indomitable samurai.

     I confess that I still can’t kill a mouse without feeling terrible. As far as I am concerned I have won the “Dual Duel” and I think that’s reasonable.

 

 

 

 

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Tomato ………..”knows its onions “

 

Tomato ………..”knows its onions “

 

If you’re like me, over the years you grew up eating your weight in Tomatoes as breakfast, lunch, dinner or a snack. And, you probably grew up never bothering about whether tomato is a fruit or vegetable. So while the whole world is confused , I have an additional Problem:  How to choose good tomatoes? Believe me , buying the right ones is as daunting a task as finding a Netizen who doesn’t hit the forward icon on Social media

 

I had never bought good, reddish, juicy  and tasty tomatoes.Ridicule, sneers , and reprimands by  ‘Experts’ at home  for selecting  dry, tasteless, fibrous ones . (“Can’t even pick tomatoes, let alone anything else “ ) were plentiful.  To avoid this onslaught, I had to find a way. So I decided to put my nose to the grindstone [1] & swing into action   

I began buying tomatoes every day to sharpen my skills. It was me and tomato trying to outfox each other, I was in no mood to let tomato conquer me.  I was determined to emerge victorious.  So I launched “Operation Ketchup”.  I hit Google with more vigour than an  academician &found some fascinating ways to choose tomatoes   like...

 pressing the tomato gently for any gurgling   sound...

I Pressed & tapped to check them. some hissed, but all others sounded the same, like growling digestion sounds in  pot bellies. As I kept Squeezing &  knocking the enraged  vendor shouted   “ No one inside  there to come out, don’t waste your time”.  Still with the sound I heard, I managed to select a few.But Tomo pinned me down to the Count. First round to: Tomato

Look for small holes or indentations…

. I followed it to the letter.  I ensured that the indentations were smaller than the pock marks on the vendor’s face.  Still the vile tomatoes were found to be  stiff like starched uniform of the town police constable. Put on the mat again by bloodymato. Voice over: (Total waste of money and time, I will myself get it from the market)

Tomatoes must be pale red or yellowish at the top. ……..

I carefully followed the prescription. “Hybrid” was the exclamation! as one was tossed aside. (Doen’t even you know the difference between country and Jam!! Tsk! Tsk!)  Oh not again, that despicable Salsapot.

Tomatoes must have   pressed stripe marks extending longitudinally upto 30% of its diameter ( 6 stripes max.) 

I checked  stripes. . But only  very few carried any semblance of stripes.

As our domestic help who regularly buys quarter kilo a day, advised me to look for stripes on other fruits as well!        

 The tomatoes I handpicked carefully were hollow inside. This condition is called locular cavities. But now it was me who developed   cavity- in the heart. (How the two hollows are related, I will never know) [2]. One look and the terrified family concluded   that I spiked the tomatoes with chemicals to make them presentable.   

 Determined to  conquer, I marched to the  road side market next morning. As if on cue the Vendor handed me a basket full of Tomatoes for “Inspection” (By now he was probably convinced that either I was eccentric or some sort of Scientist working   on Tomatoes)

In the meanwhile, a stylishly dressed couple with two chubby kids in the rear seat  arrived in  a  luxurious  BMW The tall handsome man got down, pointed to the tomatoes and  shaking his up turned palm side to side  ( an universal sign of enquiring)  ascertained  the price.  Not to be outdone, the vendor pointed three middle fingers and said  “ thirty”, (Rs.30/-.per Kilo obviously). The gentleman carefully picked 5 tomatoes, nonchalantly thrust Rs. 150/ into the Vendor’s palm and triumphantly returned to the Car.

 Wife’s beaming face shone with pride, wrinkles around the eye, cheeks raised in ecstasy and the awestruck kids screamed   “Ye Dad”. The car roared away. The vendor giggled sheepishly and winked !

On the way home, the sarcastic  look and flaunting of the three finger signal played out in my mind. Normally, in discussions concerning finance, money and business, the three fingers signal moved up & down signifies ……..you know what !  I will bet my last penny that wily fox meant this !                                        

Suddenly it flashed !  I would win the war with godawful sqishy-squashy.

 Hurrying  back to the vendor. I offered a princely sum of Rs.5/- as service charges to him for selecting the best tomatoes from his stock. On second thoughts I increased the “fee” to Rs.10/- for similar services extended to all my purchases.

Thereafter it was success all the way and I am now being regarded as the best vegetable selector.

                            Ranganae Deivam …….Naamamae   michham, Om Shanthi

  Acquiescence:

[1]     Unfortunately I found that it was not a grindstone but a drainage lid.

[2]     The Scrutiny team doesn’t appreciate:  “ All hollows are not necessarily without a feeling,  they just feel really empty ”